Frequently Asked Questions
Over the years I've had lots of e-mails from people asking about all sorts of things. Thanksfully, Twitter has rapidly supplanted them.
General
Can I ask you a question?
Well, you're clearly capable.
Didn't you write Cool Edit?
No, that was David Johnston.
Didn't you work on Discworld II?
No, that was David Johnston.
Didn't you become an architect?
No, that was David Johnston.
Didn't you [something remarkable]?
No, that was David Johnston.
Why did you shoot that girl in the hand?
I'm not West Lothian. Also, it wasn't me anyway.
re: [14] do U wnt cheap V|AGR4 slr82mvna494_193
Yes.
Counter-Strike
I want to change de_dust can you send it to me?
No for several reasons, all of them very dull.
Can you make my map official?
Only if it's good, and even then, hell no.
Someone is cheating, can you ban them for me?
No, that's up to the server operator.
I got banned on a server, unban me now!
I can't do that.
I've been cheating and got banned.
Serves you right.
Will you join my clan?
Only if you want to lose a lot. I mean a lot, because I'll never show up.
Which map is the best?
Port.
Why did you have to ruin Counter-Strike with Dust?
That was always my intention. The problem was that people were enjoying CS, and the tactical gameplay was coming together, so I figured I had to do something to ruin it for everyone. Dust was key in this plan, and the outburst of hatred and dismay after its release only encouraged me to stick the dagger in further by making a sequel, hencing killing the game once and for all. The few remaining players will notice that thanks to my efforts, CS is now exactly the same as Quake.
Level Design
When did you start mapping?
1995 when I was 11 or 12, starting with Wolfenstein 3D, then Doom, then Heretic, Quake, Quake 2, Heretic 2, Half-Life...
How do I make Counter-Strike maps?
Can you look at my map?
Right now I think it looks pretty.
Can you really look at my map?
You can send me a link if you like, but whether I'll reply depends on how good it is and how bored I am.
I got banned on a server, unban me now!
I've told you already I can't do that.
My map won't work! Can you fix it?
Maybe, but you want to the kind people on the VERC first.
Will you make a map for me?
No, I'm not a very nice person.
Will you make a map for me? I'll pay you lots.
Not unless you pay more, because I am also exceptionally greedy.
Can you give me some level design tips?
Take a look at my blog or the stuff I wrote here for a start.
Join my mod!
That's not a question, and no.
Can you make some maps for my mod?
Only 1 in 10 mods ever get to a playable release. Get a good, fun beta out and I'll consider it, then ignore all your subsequent e-mails.
University
Is Southampton University any good?
Yep, it's one of the top computer science universities in England. Also, it does some other degrees rather well too.
Was your course any good?
I think so. Too late to change it, mind.
Are you David Johnston MEng now?
Sure.
Like MEng the Merciless?
No.
Did you burn the Mountbatten building down?
No; I was 150 miles away and that's the story I'm sticking to.
Miscellaneous
I want to hire you.
Ok, you're allowed to send me an e-mail. Please note: I no longer perform assassinations or covert work for secret Government agencies like MI5 or MI6. Anyone who said otherwise is a liar and/or is now dead. I do however deliver milk.
What is 1727 times 27?
Approximately 46633, give or take.
What is your favourite colour?
Blue-ish.
What's big and small at the same time?
A big egg.
What is the capital of Scotland?
Cardiff.
Sure it's not MEng the Merciless?
Go away.